Why Mindful Parenting Isn't One Size Fits All

Dec 162011

Photo By http://www.flickr.com/photos/mindfulness/

In this post I want to talk about mindful parenting, and why the approach isnt a one size fits all philosophy.

Parents often want to know what to do and say to their children in specific situations.  There are a lot of parenting books, blogs and websites out there telling us.  But does this one size fits all parenting philosophy really work?

If you have a child who is very tactile, and needs to be held and your reading a book about keeping your distance from your toddler when they are in the throws of strong emotions, is that really the best thing for your child?  Probably not, although it may be on some days.  May not on others.  Maybe it depends on where they are, who they’re with, what the emotions are about etc.

I think the reason that its sometimes difficult in mindful parenting to give specifics out is because there is so much it depends on.  What kind of child do you have, what kind of personality, what is your personality, what about the other people present, what about family dynamics, where abouts is it taking place? Etc etc.

For me, I believe what works is respecting you child, respecting their feelings and respecting their needs in that moment.  What works is putting the relationship with your child and other family members as top priority and ‘what the experts or say’ as a meagre second.

The best thing to do is ask yourself some questions.  What does my child really need?  How can I provide that?  Are there other solutions I haven’t thought of?  Can I prevent this happening again by being more prepared / thinking outside the box etc?

Get to know your child as much as possible.  What are their interests, what are their best times of the day?  How do they like to spend their time?  Are they sensory based, physical, visual, auditory etc?  Do they need lots of social interaction outdoors or prefer to be at home? Find interesting activities to share.  Ask their opinions on things and genuinely hear them.  Take them seriously.  Notice their moods.

To me, mindful parenting is a hands on, presence based philosophy.  It’s about knowing your child and doing your best to guide them on their journey while meeting their needs in the most joy filled, loving and thoughtful way.  And when we make mistakes, its about being gentle on ourselves and getting back on track as soon as possible.

Would love to hear your comments below, and please remember to press the share button!!

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Be Flexible in your Thinking

Nov 282011

Photo By Panegyrics of Granovetter

In this post I want to talk about openness of mind, and how this can lead to more creative and harmonious family relationships.

We often are so stuck to our own ideas, so afraid of being wrong we stubbornly defend our position to the exclusion of really listening to another persons opinion, point of view or belief.  We are so caught up in our own story and perspective that we are blind to the other.   We can be closed down, defensive, controlling and project meaning onto what others are saying that isn’t even there.

When we start to step back from our ego and see things as ever changing, which they are – including our own minds, we won’t be so rigidly stuck to our beliefs.  We can hear another person from a place of wonder and openness rather than defense and closure.  We are able to see the truth of what they’re saying and genuinely ‘try on’ their opinions, solutions or ideas to see if they feel right for us, or are a possibility in our lives.  Rather than getting caught up in a battle of the wills, we can approach things with an air of speculation and interest.

So what does this mean for parenting?  Two kinds of scenarios here but there are probably many more.

If your child comes up with a solution, or an alternative to your planned day, in any normal situation most of us would think of a reason why we couldn’t entertain that possibility.  Our day would be ‘set’ in our mind, and we would be going through it with blinkers on trying to ‘get things done’ in the order or way we had planned.  If we weren’t so obsessed with ‘our position’ / beliefs / thoughts / way of doing things, we would genuinely open up to the suggestions posed by our kids and think, why not?

When our child is doing something we don’t feel comfortable with, we may go into auto pilot and tell them to stop, but if we stop for a minute, become conscious of what it is they are doing we don’t feel comfortable with we can open our own mind up to other solutions other than stopping the activity.  For example, my 2 year old loves standing on the chairs in the coffee shop.  My automatic mind would chose a power struggle and tell him to get off, and then have to keep telling him, and keep telling him, and keep telling him etc etc.  So instead of spoiling his fun, I can ask myself what is it about what he is doing I don’t feel comfortable with.  Well his shoes are dirty and he’s standing where someone else has to sit.  So I can just take his shoes off. Simple.  But if I was unconscious of my thoughts, if I just went along with my first reaction my life would be more difficult and his life would be less fun and free.  By consciously thinking, I’m developing a different auto pilot in my brain, an auto pilot that will look for alternative solutions to every one getting their needs met and being happy.

What other situations would this be useful in?  Have you already applied this type of thinking to your life or can you be quite rigid in your thinking?  Would love to hear what you think and if you like this article, please remember to share it with your friends!

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Being Your Childs Partner

Oct 172011

My Son

There are many different theories on how to bring up kids out there, from extreme control and authoritarianism, to extreme permissivness and neglect.  Most parents fall somewhere along that line.  But if you consider a radically different view point for a moment, there is another way that most people don’t even know exists.  I like to call it being your childs partner.

So lets explore this using the mainstream middle of the road ‘traditional parenting’ model as a first example.

This school of thought says I have to control my kid to get him to do what I want, for conveinience, for safety, for my own ego or for acceptance of those around me.  There will be constant power struggles going on as I keep trying to bring him into line, and he keeps trying to rebel, retaliate or break free, or he may be the type to withdraw and give in, realising he is powerless and breaking his spirit in many ways.  He’s likely to start hiding things from me at some point, and lying to me, as he knows the things he wants to explore  could get him into trouble with me and punished.  This could be quite dangerous if the things he wants to explore aren’t safe in some way.

So shifting the paradigm a little…..

The other school of though says I can have a close and loving relationship with my child, where we talk about all kinds of things, I respect his desires, needs and help him get what he wants.  I offer him information about the world as we go through life and as there is  no underlying manipulation or coersion going on, he trusts me and knows I always give him honest information based on the best of my ability.  Becuase of this he is much freer to listen to what I have to say and make up his own mind about things rather than rebelling, lying or hiding things.  He is more willing to cooperate when I need him to, as I always try to cooperate with him.  When I have important information about safety, he listens as he knows I’m not just trying to frighten him into obeying me.

I don’t set arbitary limits on foods as I want him to learn what his body is telling him about the types of foods he eats,  I want him to discover for himself how certain foods make him feel, we may talk about it together and explore the topic.  I want him to listen to his body’s ‘full’ signals, and hungry signals, so he eats when he’s hungry and stops when he’s had enough.  I want him to see all food for what it is, not make some of it ‘taboo’ or ‘special’ or a ‘treat’.

Because of this, he also doesnt have to withdraw or give up who he truly is.  We find safe ways to explore the things he wants to so his natural learning and inquiry is left intact.

For me, being my childs partner is where its at in parenting terms.  :)   Its not always easy, but our house is a lot happier this way.  Sometimes I don’t do it perfectly, normally when I’m a bit stressed or tired and trying to juggle 10 things at once, but I’m human and it’s also good for my kids to see that!  :)

What are your thoughts on being your childs partner?  Do you have some things you just can’t let go of, like food restriction or bedtimes?  Would love to hear what you think!

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Are you a Couch Potato Parent?

Oct 032011

Are you a couch potato parent?

You know, one of those parents that like to parent from the side lines, shouting orders across the room, dictating what needs to be done, seeing squabbles and intervening with words instead of actions?

We’ve all done it.  It’s easier….. isn’t it?  And we’re tired….. right?  We can just tell our kids what needs to happen, or what they need to stop doing.  No need to get off the couch…….?

For young kids they generally tend to act first, think later, especially when there are strong emotions involved.  And they may not even think at all in the sense we’re thinking of, i.e. realising they have done something to upset a sibling etc etc.  They are compelled to meet their needs in the ways they have available to them at the time, and those ways may make messes, upset their siblings, be loud.   So us then using words to explain what ‘behaviour we want to see’, or not see, isnt often going to work in the long term or the short term, and it certainly isnt doing anything for our relationships with our kids.

So what needs to happen?

Well, having been a couch potato parent myself from time to time, I’ve found what makes things easier is being right there with your kids.  Getting off the couch!  By being there, especially with young kids you can be one step ahead to prevent sibling rivalry before it happens, on hand to help toddlers do the things that would otherwise have led to a melt down, seeing your 6 year old needs more paper before they ask, seeing hungry signs in your kids before they realise it and bringing them a snack.  All this helps to prevent issues in the first place, it also helps your kids trust that you are right there with them, helping them negotiate and be in the world.

However, things aren’t always preventable and we can’t always be right there with our kids 24/7, so when upsets do occur, go to your children and calmly show or do what needs to happen to restore peace to a situation.  If your childs having a tantrum, be there for them, either hands on or quietly waiting depending on what your child prefers.  If your child needs something, get it where possible.  If there is a problem between siblings, find a solution that makes everyone happy without punishment or making anyone feel bad about themselves.

There is so many benefits to parenting this way, not only a much more connected loving trusting relationship with your kids, not only more peace at home, not only a warm fuzzy feeling from knowing your doing your best, but you’ll probably find you get fitter and lose a pound or two from all the extra running around!  :)

Look forward to hearing your thoughts below!

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