Be Flexible in your Thinking

Nov 282011

Photo By Panegyrics of Granovetter

In this post I want to talk about openness of mind, and how this can lead to more creative and harmonious family relationships.

We often are so stuck to our own ideas, so afraid of being wrong we stubbornly defend our position to the exclusion of really listening to another persons opinion, point of view or belief.  We are so caught up in our own story and perspective that we are blind to the other.   We can be closed down, defensive, controlling and project meaning onto what others are saying that isn’t even there.

When we start to step back from our ego and see things as ever changing, which they are – including our own minds, we won’t be so rigidly stuck to our beliefs.  We can hear another person from a place of wonder and openness rather than defense and closure.  We are able to see the truth of what they’re saying and genuinely ‘try on’ their opinions, solutions or ideas to see if they feel right for us, or are a possibility in our lives.  Rather than getting caught up in a battle of the wills, we can approach things with an air of speculation and interest.

So what does this mean for parenting?  Two kinds of scenarios here but there are probably many more.

If your child comes up with a solution, or an alternative to your planned day, in any normal situation most of us would think of a reason why we couldn’t entertain that possibility.  Our day would be ‘set’ in our mind, and we would be going through it with blinkers on trying to ‘get things done’ in the order or way we had planned.  If we weren’t so obsessed with ‘our position’ / beliefs / thoughts / way of doing things, we would genuinely open up to the suggestions posed by our kids and think, why not?

When our child is doing something we don’t feel comfortable with, we may go into auto pilot and tell them to stop, but if we stop for a minute, become conscious of what it is they are doing we don’t feel comfortable with we can open our own mind up to other solutions other than stopping the activity.  For example, my 2 year old loves standing on the chairs in the coffee shop.  My automatic mind would chose a power struggle and tell him to get off, and then have to keep telling him, and keep telling him, and keep telling him etc etc.  So instead of spoiling his fun, I can ask myself what is it about what he is doing I don’t feel comfortable with.  Well his shoes are dirty and he’s standing where someone else has to sit.  So I can just take his shoes off. Simple.  But if I was unconscious of my thoughts, if I just went along with my first reaction my life would be more difficult and his life would be less fun and free.  By consciously thinking, I’m developing a different auto pilot in my brain, an auto pilot that will look for alternative solutions to every one getting their needs met and being happy.

What other situations would this be useful in?  Have you already applied this type of thinking to your life or can you be quite rigid in your thinking?  Would love to hear what you think and if you like this article, please remember to share it with your friends!

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You'll Never Be A Perfect Parent

Nov 142011

In this post I want to talk about, how most of us as parents, beat ourselves up when we get things wrong, mess up or want to do things over again with our kids.

Its a common symptom to feel bad when we are less than perfect as parents.  We feel guilty, we talk negatively to ourselves, we put ourselves down. But at the end of the day, that just makes us feel worse about ourselves, makes us more stressed and more unhappy.  And we all know when we feel that way, it doesn’t do our children any favours.  It doesn’t model to them good self esteem, and it means we are probably more likely to snap or yell.

But the truth is, there isn’t such a thing as a perfect parent anyway, so why do we feel the need to live up to these ideals we have in our heads?

A common side effect of being human is that we make mistakes, everybody does it.  And those that tell you they don’t have a screw lose somewhere because we all know they really do.  :)

Mistakes are healthy, they help us grow.  When we do something we don’t like, we can think of ways we can make it better the next time.  When we mess up, we can apologise to those we’ve hurt.  When we are habitually doing something we’re not happy with, we can take responsibility for our actions and find help to change our behaviour.   And as an added bonus, our kids see us doing these things, (especially if we talk to them about it where appropriate through having an open, honest and equal relationship with them)  and then they’ll likely go on to use these healthy habits in their own lives.

I know it’s not always as easy as it seems, believe me.  But beating ourselves up about our mistakes doesn’t get us anywhere positive.  It just takes us further down the rabbit hole of stress and negativity.

Do yourself a favour today, look at all the reasons you’re a great parent.  When you make a mistake, tell yourself it’s OK, you can move through it, learn from it, and do it better next time.  Don’t let any negative self talk come in and make amends with others where necessary.

Do you usually beat yourself up when you mess up your parenting?  What things do you say to yourself to help you feel more positive if your having a stressful day?

Would love to hear your thoughts below!

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Being Your Childs Partner

Oct 172011

My Son

There are many different theories on how to bring up kids out there, from extreme control and authoritarianism, to extreme permissivness and neglect.  Most parents fall somewhere along that line.  But if you consider a radically different view point for a moment, there is another way that most people don’t even know exists.  I like to call it being your childs partner.

So lets explore this using the mainstream middle of the road ‘traditional parenting’ model as a first example.

This school of thought says I have to control my kid to get him to do what I want, for conveinience, for safety, for my own ego or for acceptance of those around me.  There will be constant power struggles going on as I keep trying to bring him into line, and he keeps trying to rebel, retaliate or break free, or he may be the type to withdraw and give in, realising he is powerless and breaking his spirit in many ways.  He’s likely to start hiding things from me at some point, and lying to me, as he knows the things he wants to explore  could get him into trouble with me and punished.  This could be quite dangerous if the things he wants to explore aren’t safe in some way.

So shifting the paradigm a little…..

The other school of though says I can have a close and loving relationship with my child, where we talk about all kinds of things, I respect his desires, needs and help him get what he wants.  I offer him information about the world as we go through life and as there is  no underlying manipulation or coersion going on, he trusts me and knows I always give him honest information based on the best of my ability.  Becuase of this he is much freer to listen to what I have to say and make up his own mind about things rather than rebelling, lying or hiding things.  He is more willing to cooperate when I need him to, as I always try to cooperate with him.  When I have important information about safety, he listens as he knows I’m not just trying to frighten him into obeying me.

I don’t set arbitary limits on foods as I want him to learn what his body is telling him about the types of foods he eats,  I want him to discover for himself how certain foods make him feel, we may talk about it together and explore the topic.  I want him to listen to his body’s ‘full’ signals, and hungry signals, so he eats when he’s hungry and stops when he’s had enough.  I want him to see all food for what it is, not make some of it ‘taboo’ or ‘special’ or a ‘treat’.

Because of this, he also doesnt have to withdraw or give up who he truly is.  We find safe ways to explore the things he wants to so his natural learning and inquiry is left intact.

For me, being my childs partner is where its at in parenting terms.  :)   Its not always easy, but our house is a lot happier this way.  Sometimes I don’t do it perfectly, normally when I’m a bit stressed or tired and trying to juggle 10 things at once, but I’m human and it’s also good for my kids to see that!  :)

What are your thoughts on being your childs partner?  Do you have some things you just can’t let go of, like food restriction or bedtimes?  Would love to hear what you think!

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Are You Friends With Your Kids?

Oct 102011

Are you friends with your kids? I bet some of you are uncomfortable with that statement…  Parents aren’t friends with their kids right?  Because then they would disrespect us, or take advantage or any other number or negative consequences from us being overly nice or letting go of control?

Do you treat your children with the same respect and understanding you would your best friend?  Let me go even further, if your best friend treated you the same way you treat your kids on a daily basis, would you still be friends with them?  :)

Let’s say

- You came to them with a problem and they are only half listening, carrying on what they’re doing and not really giving you eye contact, and they do this regularly,

- You cry in front of them and they tell you to stop

- You go outside together and they insist you have your coat on because they have decided its too cold not too.

- You go shopping with them regularly but they refuse to stop off at a place you want to go to on the way home because they’re too tired, haven’t got time or give you some other random excuse that you know is just a brush off.

- They keep reminding you when they think you’ve had enough candy or sweet stuff, and actually are very controlling of your eating when you’re with them

- They use eye rolls, sarcasm or condescending language when you spill something in their house

- You forget something at home and they either refuse to let you go back for it or stand there tutting and looking pissed.

- They don’t tell you when they’re feeling stressed, angry or tired they just shout at you, talk in a sarcastic or mean way and expect you to guess or just put up with the treatment

- You have this sneaking suspicion that everything they do or say is about getting you to do what they want.

 

It’s telling for all of us isn’t it when we think like that.

So how do you like your friends to treat you?  This is the list I’ve come up with:

- They give you full attention when you approach them with a problem, they make you feel heard and show you empathy.

- If you cry in front of them, they are genuinely concerned as to why and how they can help, even if it’s just being there

- They let you chose how you dress yourself, and maybe suggest bringing extra clothes if its colder outside than you were expecting

- When you go out together, they are happy to stop off at other places you may want to go as often as is possible, and it’s likely something you can enjoy together

- They trust your bodies ability to self regulate around food, but give you information they’ve heard on different foods and chat with you about how it may make you feel or how it can affect our bodies

- If you spill something in their house, they clean it up graciously with no questions asked

- If you leave something at home, they are happy to wait or go back with you to retrieve it before the two of you continue on

- They tell you when they’re feeling stressed or upset before they have the chance to say something crappy to you, and they appologise if they do.  They also make sure you know their mood is nothing to do with you

- They make sure that both of you are getting your needs met in the relationship, they don’t try to control, coerce or manipulate you into doing something you don’t want to.  They speak openly and directly about things and joyfully find solutions that are mutually beneficial for both of you.

There’s one difference between friends and kids that stands out to me.  Friends can walk away from each other and decide not to spend time together anymore, but kids can’t walk away from their parents until their 18.  So why don’t we make our kid’s stay with us as enjoyable as possible, so when they’re older and they have the choice to leave, they still want to come back and hang out. ;)

What are you thoughts?  Please share this with your friends on Facebook and Twitter!

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Are you a Couch Potato Parent?

Oct 032011

Are you a couch potato parent?

You know, one of those parents that like to parent from the side lines, shouting orders across the room, dictating what needs to be done, seeing squabbles and intervening with words instead of actions?

We’ve all done it.  It’s easier….. isn’t it?  And we’re tired….. right?  We can just tell our kids what needs to happen, or what they need to stop doing.  No need to get off the couch…….?

For young kids they generally tend to act first, think later, especially when there are strong emotions involved.  And they may not even think at all in the sense we’re thinking of, i.e. realising they have done something to upset a sibling etc etc.  They are compelled to meet their needs in the ways they have available to them at the time, and those ways may make messes, upset their siblings, be loud.   So us then using words to explain what ‘behaviour we want to see’, or not see, isnt often going to work in the long term or the short term, and it certainly isnt doing anything for our relationships with our kids.

So what needs to happen?

Well, having been a couch potato parent myself from time to time, I’ve found what makes things easier is being right there with your kids.  Getting off the couch!  By being there, especially with young kids you can be one step ahead to prevent sibling rivalry before it happens, on hand to help toddlers do the things that would otherwise have led to a melt down, seeing your 6 year old needs more paper before they ask, seeing hungry signs in your kids before they realise it and bringing them a snack.  All this helps to prevent issues in the first place, it also helps your kids trust that you are right there with them, helping them negotiate and be in the world.

However, things aren’t always preventable and we can’t always be right there with our kids 24/7, so when upsets do occur, go to your children and calmly show or do what needs to happen to restore peace to a situation.  If your childs having a tantrum, be there for them, either hands on or quietly waiting depending on what your child prefers.  If your child needs something, get it where possible.  If there is a problem between siblings, find a solution that makes everyone happy without punishment or making anyone feel bad about themselves.

There is so many benefits to parenting this way, not only a much more connected loving trusting relationship with your kids, not only more peace at home, not only a warm fuzzy feeling from knowing your doing your best, but you’ll probably find you get fitter and lose a pound or two from all the extra running around!  :)

Look forward to hearing your thoughts below!

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