To really tell my story, its probably best I start with the main thing that brought me to where I am today, helping people like you to dissolve the emotional triggers that keep us stuck in patterns of yelling, blaming & punishing our kids so we can parent from a place of calmness, compassion and clarity.
When I first became pregnant I knew I wanted to do things differently. I had always been attracted to the alternative side of life so I naturally fell into books on natural birth, attachment parenting and all the crunchy stuff.
I was obviously planning on being the perfect mother. I read Alfie Kohn, Pam Leo, Adele Faber, and too many books to mention. I studied NVC (Non Violent Communication), I had over 15 experience under my belt of self growth, healing, therapeutic qualifications, dealing with my own stuff.
So I thought this would be easy….
But as my first child grew up, and I had a second on the way. Things started to become more and more challenging. I would find myself getting stressed and shouting at him, my face scrunched up and angry looking. So far from the kind, gentle mother I wanted to be. I felt like a failure, guilty, bad, like I was totally going to screw up my kids self esteem, even his life and totally unable to do anything about it.
Those things I promised I’d never say to my kids started to come out of my mouth. The things I promised I’d never do, started happening. Coercion seems so much easier as a fall back plan when you’re at the end of your rope.
I became the parent I never wanted to be.
I started to fall back on more traditional parenting techniques, threats, coercion, shouting, tutting, sighing, eye rolls. And why not, when I had been parented this way. It was easy to fall back on unconscious patterns in the less peaceful moments. And my parents didn’t do anything wrong, they did the best job they knew how to with the tools and resources they had at the time.
But with all the information out there that I had seen and studied, I knew there was a better way, and yet I wasn’t able to stay calm enough to do it. I wasn’t able to stop the automatic unconscious reactions of blame, annoyance, frustration, anger and guilt tripping that I had experienced as a child.
I felt guilty, ashamed, embarrassed and a fraud. How could I be so passionate about conscious parenting, gentle discipline and loving, respectful parenting, but not manage to do it myself.
I felt like it was my dirty secret.
So I decided to use the tools I had. I did have many years experience in self growth, qualifications in Hypnotherapy, EFT, healing tools, mind reprogramming techniques. And I decided to use them in an area I had never tried to before. In my skills as a mother.
I recognised that my own emotional reactions to my children were unhealed aspects of my own childhood. It was awakening deeply held memories, events and learnt emotional patterns that I had experienced growing up, and instead of projecting blame outward onto my children’s ‘behaviour’, using them as the cause of my feelings, I looked deep within and questioned myself. By doing this I was able to work on my own negative reactions separately using the tools I had studied and it left me free to maintain the connection with my kids while seeing their behaviour for what it actually was, an expression of an unmet need.
Through this I was able to stop a lot of my automatic reactions, discover and question my unconscious beliefs that were holding me back and ultimately become a more peaceful parent.
If you would like me to help you with this in your own parenting, feel free to set up a Get Acquainted Call here and we can chat to see how I may be able to help you.